Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1 Episode 6
Original airdate: 13 October 1966

“Men will always be men, no matter where they are.”

I was wondering how long it would be before a space pimp episode turned up, but I didn’t expect one so soon.

The episode opens with the Enterprise ‘rescuing’ the crew of a cargo ship as it tries to escape through an asteroid field.

Just before the ship explodes, its four crew – the captain and three attractive women – are beamed aboard and asked to explain their actions.

The captain introduces himself as Leo Walsh and explains that the women are to be sold as wives for settlers on a nearby planet. Oh, you’re a sly dog, Leo, if that is your real name.

Turns out it isn’t, because after he’s made to take a lie detector test (something all Enterprise guests should probably have to take before boarding, based on previous episodes) it turns out his name’s actually Harry Mudd.

Mudd is a wanted criminal and a general dodgy bastard, so Kirk decides he should be sent to space jail or wherever the fuck it is criminals go in the future.

Trouble is, the Enterprise used up its lithium crystals chasing Mudd’s ship (I hate when that happens) and so needs to land on a nearby crystal mining planet to stock up. It’s basically like No Man’s Sky except nobody on the Enterprise is trying to get a refund after spending 50 hours on board.

Little does Kirk know, Mudd has got his hands on a communicator and has already arranged a deal with the miners on the planet: if they tell Kirk he can’t have his crystals until he hands over Mudd, the miners will get to keep the women.

Cue a stand-off as Kirk refuses to give up his prisoner while being ever aware that the ship needs power to get off the planet and continue its travels. TENSION!

This was an interesting episode, particularly because of the revelation that Mudd’s ‘beautiful’ women are actually taking illegal space pills called Venus Drugs which make them look irresistible to men.

This makes for a number of humourous moments where the drug wears off and the women look ‘hideous’ – in other words, they aren’t wearing any makeup.

It all culminates in a ridiculous sequence of events in which one of the women becomes sick of being treated like a sex object and pisses off her new miner husband who decides he’s been duped because he didn’t get the beautiful dollybird he was promised.

Kirk appears on the scene and gives her a pill, which makes her suddenly look attractive again. But – bombshell – it was just a harmless placebo and had no effect on her at all.

Then that must mean – gasp – her beauty was inside her all along, which is a relief for the miner who ends up agreeing to stay with her.

So, all’s well that ends well. The Enterprise gets its crystals, Mudd is taken back to space court, and one of the women happily moves in with a miner who’s made it perfectly clear he wouldn’t want anything to do with her if she suddenly turned ugly again.

Hang on, wait.

Other thoughts:

• Continuing the tradition of terrible accents, the chap who plays Mudd puts on an abysmal Irish accent. If I’d been on that ship I wouldn’t have needed the lie detector, I’d have been able to tell Kirk within 15 seconds that the prick was a fraud.
• When the women first appear all the male Enterprise crew members are stunned into silence. Even Spock! Calm yourself, mate.
• I wonder if there will be episodes even more sexist than this one. I look forward to finding out. Sort of.

Up next – Star Trek episode 7: What Are Little Girls Made Of? Given what this episode was about I’m not sure I want to know about the next one based on that title alone.